Haha

The Merlion vs The People
After years of abuse and neglect, Singapore's famous icon deserves compensation
By jeremy au yong, jay talking
Your Honour, my client, Mr Merlion (the plaintiff), does with much regret hereby bring about a suit of damages against the people of Singapore (the defendant).

The plaintiff requests compensation for personal injury, property damage and mental suffering as a direct result of the defendant's neglect, exploitation and scurrilous acts of defamation.

Mr Merlion states that on multiple occasions spanning nearly four decades, Singapore and its people did scandalise his good name, exploit his image for selfish personal gains while, at the same time, neglecting to take proper steps to care for his welfare.

And while Mr Merlion says he has suffered in silence for the greater good, the events of the past week have pushed him over the edge. It was the proverbial straw that broke the Merlion's head.

On Saturday, March 1, 2009, my client was subjected to a fierce, near-fatal attack that left him with a gaping hole at the rear of his head, as well as a severe concussion.

Since then, my client complains of frequent dizzy spells, making it difficult for him to perform optimally in his current employment. He rightly fears that in this harsh economic climate, his reduced capacity could lead to a loss of income.

Further to the serious injuries to his head, his home - a humble platform - has also suffered damage when pieces of his head fell onto it.

Now, while many have tried to write off the lightning strike as an unfortunate act of nature, Mr Merlion asserts that such an accident could have, indeed should have, been foreseen and prevented.

Your Honour, it is only through clear neglect on the part of the defendant that such an accident was even allowed to happen.

It is common knowledge that the right thing to do in a storm is to make yourself as small as possible so as not to present yourself as a target.

Yet my client was sited - against his will, might I add - in an open space where he is the tallest thing around, no doubt an accident waiting to happen.

There is no evidence of due diligence here. The buildings with lightning conductors are too far away to offer protection and my client was not fitted with a lightning rod of his own.

No study of lightning strikes in the area was conducted even with the knowledge that Singapore has one of the highest rates of lightning activity in the world.

Despite all this, a request by my client for an indoors location was dismissed out of hand.

Further, Mr Merlion was forced to vomit water in perpetuity, making him more conductive and therefore more vulnerable to a lightning strike. I will speak more on this later when I outline the case for defamation.

Your Honour, in the wake of the attack, the defendant has shown little remorse. In fact, on Internet chatboards and in the newspapers, they have made jokes about my client, completely disregarding his feelings. Some had the nerve to suggest that the broken pieces of my client's skull structure be sold as souvenirs.

No one bothered to so much as send a get-well card.

The situation has left Mr Merlion in depression. It is a little-known fact that he has often had to cry himself to sleep.

But as I had alluded to earlier, the lightning strike is but the breaking point, the culmination of years of abuse.

I am sure it is obvious to Your Honour that there is no creature, living, extinct or mythical, that could exist while constantly vomiting. How could it eat? Where is all the puke coming from?

Yet, this has been how the defendant has portrayed my client to the world. It is a gross (Hah!) misrepresentation of my client's upstanding reputation and clear injurious defamation.

To exacerbate the assault, the defendant has fabricated and distributed through gift shops a plastic toilet paper-holder in my client's likeness, where toilet paper is pulled out of the mouth. I submit to the Courts one such toilet paper-holder marked Exhibit A.

Your Honour, is there a more obvious insult?

Separately, in June of 2008, the defendant did allow one Muhammad Hafiz Tahir to use my client's likeness to design the ugliest dress in Miss Universe pageant history. This led to more mocking of my client, more depression and more tears.

Your Honour, this sort of abuse cannot continue. While I leave it to Your Honour to determine the just amount of compensation, I must remind the Court that you have before you an opportunity.

This is an opportunity to send a clear signal to national icons everywhere that they do not have to put up with abuse, to show them that they are equal under the law, that even half-fish, half-lions have rights, have needs, have feelings.

I trust Your Honour will do the right thing.